“I love you but I don’t know if I am in love with you” and other things I wished I knew before

“I love you but I don’t know if I am in love with you anymore.”

That was the most heart wrenching and hurtful thing I have ever heard. Sometimes I am unsure about the relationship, but when I feel like he is threatening to leave, I don’t want him to. I am in love with him, I love him, I want to be with him. I stayed when he strayed 2 times, because I wanted to work on us.

Modern relationship advice encourages women and men to talk about what is bothering them. It’s an idealized sphere where we think everyone is receptive of advice and to hearing things that can possibly be hurtful, with the hopes that it will lead to a better relationship when the other partner address all their negative behavior. And it’s idealized because we think that overnight, it will get better. But sometimes, the other person doesn’t want to talk and talk and talk. Every relationship is different! The thing that Pete liked, Jasper doesn’t. Jasper thinks it’s annoying. A relationship is about learning the other person’s preferences and behavior.

Here’s what I learned what I need to work on with BK

1. Stop talking about the relationship. Focus on enjoying the relationship.
2. Learn to trust him & respect his privacy. Trust that he will give you his passcodes when he is ready. You cannot change his mind about it. You cannot force him to do it. What he wants to do, he will do willingly. What he doesn’t want to do, he will do hesitantly.
3. Focus on being more positive and pleasant to be around. Practice gratitude. Stop complaining.
4. Patience. He will open up about his feelings on his own time and of his own will. You can only encourage, not force.
5. Focus on investing in the relationship and avoid conflict for the next 2 months. Learn to fall in love again. Be patient with the process. Learn to date each other again.
6. Pick your battles. Realize what is important to you, and what you are not willing to compromise on.

How to Have Healthy Communication Skills in A Relationship

For 5 months, it was utter bliss.

Then the fights started, one after another. Where there were once attempts at trying to resolve conflict, now there are screaming matches, tears, mental and emotional exhaustion, crying spells so hard that it fatigues the body…

I was, am, so in love with BK still, and it saddens me to write and reflect on the ways that I have emotionally manipulated his emotions so much for him to feel like I abused him…

Where did the communication become so unhealthy?

Yesterday, he told me we needed to take a break in our relationship. At first I denied it. I didn’t want it. I am in love with him. I want to be with him. I want to push thru the barriers we have in our relationship to come out stronger. But every time I tried to talk about our relationship, how I felt cheated on (twice), and his disregard for my feelings, maybe I am the one not listening. But why do we only realize we are not listening when it is too late?

The thing is, while it may be just a “break” – you’re suppose to treat it like a “break up” which means no contact. I don’t want to go crazy. I’ve been taking deep breaths and trying to practice meditation. I want to ask him about his day. I want to ask what he’s doing. Tell him good morning, and good night. I want to tell him how sorry I am, how much I love him. . . But I don’t want to drive him away. So I will swallow my feelings, and hold my self-respect, and one by one, the days should pass…

Only now do I realize the importance of periodic self-check (30-60-90 days).

I’ve been reading books and research about how to have healthy communication in relationships.

1. The key ratio is 5:1

5 positive interactions (physical touch, smiles, spontaneous kisses, compliments, etc) for every 1 negative interaction, to overcome the effects of negative interaction -Relationship research John Gottman, 1992

2. Neutral events can be interpreted positively or negatively

Healthy couples interpret neutral events positively (positive sentiment override)

At-risk couples interpret neutral events negatively (negative sentiment override)

3. Relationships are built on schemas 

Schemas are impressions. It’s a label you put on someone else based on behavior you’ve observed over time. Negative schemas like labeling your partner “selfish”, “lazy”, “loner” are detrimental to a relationship.

I realize that I’ve constructed schemas in my head, not only of BK, but his best friend BS. My schema of BS is he’s lazy, and a “shadow” to BK. He doesn’t have a FT job, but instead does odd jobs (ie, bouncer for a Halloween night), aspiring “social media influencer”, drug dealer. He always agree with what BK wants to do.

Sample conversation:

BK – “Hey, you wanna try ball?”

BS – “Yeah brah, shoots, sounds good bro.”

BK – “Football or basketball, you pick.”

BS – “Shoots brah, both sound good bro.”

BK – “Flip a coin. I call football tails.”

BS – “Shoots brah, yup yup, it’s tails, football it is.”

BK defends BS by saying he cannot hold a FT job because he has a 1-year old son. (News flash, the baby mama is working so why can’t he? The baby mama has full custody and he babysits from time to time). So everytime BK calls BS, BS is not busy! BS can play ball, drink, hang out whenever BK wants! That is why I feel like BK is lonely with me, but not his friend, because I actually have a life of my own… but I feel this is a negative schema, because I know how important BS is to BK. And BK is concerned/disappointed when I don’t hang out with them together. The truth is, I try to avoid BS when he’s there.

4. There’s a name for an argument/feeling cycle that you feel repeats itself again and again – it’s a couple system

A system is any pattern of interaction that develops over the course of the relationship (between intimate partners, coworkers, siblings, friends, etc). As you get into a groove with certain people, and have certain limited reactions in your repertoire.

It is a series of reactions to things that have come before.

Ex:

-Boy works late

-Girl gets anxious. When he comes home, she wants to talk about the relationship.

-Boy is tired and hungry and thinks girl is being needy. Boy feels overwhelmed and disappears into the room. He tells girl he is too tired to talk.

-Girl thinks he doesn’t care about her. She gets more emotional and frantic and demands boy talks to her right now.

-Boy thinks there is no peace in the home. The next day, boy wants to placate girl so he leaves a note before he leaves for work, or call her on his lunch break to say hello. He does something romantic and wins her over.

-Usually, his attention will only last a day or two before he focuses on his work and continues the old pattern of working late and on the weekend.

-Girl gets anxious about the relationship and cycle continues…

The breakdown:

-Girl feels lonely when boy works so much so she pushes him for more contact.

-Boy feels overwhelmed and blamed in her attempts to get closer to him, so he withdraws, leaving her feeling anxious about his love for her.

-His habit of spending long hours at work may even be partly an attempt to distance himself from an uncomfortable situation. 

“If she would only let me have some time to unwind and relax, I’d enjoy being with her more.”

“If he would spend more time with me, I wouldn’t have to always push him to talk to me.”

DOES THIS SOUND FAMILIAR???

 

The key takeaway is that it is important to be performing periodic self-evaluations to examine how we can be a better partner and communicator, to try to legitimately understand the other person’s need for space (and give it to them, no matter how much you don’t want it), to constantly shower your partner with positive affirmations, and let them approach you when they are ready to talk or get back together.